How pathetic is it to daydream about disease and pain ? How sad is it to fantasize about you being there to relieve it ? A person who stays up at night damaging herself in her dreams and fantasies breaking every bone and releasing every tear, just to imagine how your hand would feel against her cheeks. Is it tragic to imagine me broken and weak, so fragile, just to feel you holding me, strengthening me.
I guess I just miss the touch that cured my aching soul, or maybe I longed for it and forever will. A broken soul will take sometime to heal, a long time. I need your touch. I need your fingers to follow the tears down my cheeks like a new friend. I need your heart to follow the rhythms of the pieces of my shattering heart. I need your mind to be consumed with my pain, that it wishes it can take over my brain and numb the pain. I want your lips to whisper the words that can soothe my soul again. I want you to change my infuriated ocean into a calm river.
I need you to tell me that what I am isn’t fixed, isn’t the truth. I want you to deny who I am, and what I think I might be. I want you to tell me that I am a complete lie, that I am not a stranger. I want you to tell me that I belong here, beside you. I want to know that you are my home, that your heartbeat is my national anthem. Would you carry me home when I try to drown every part of me within the sea of sorrow, when every cell is freezing to death ?
At moments I fear that you are a mistake. How can I know what I am and who you are ? How can I assure myself that you are here to stay, how can I know how to calm myself ? I can’t let go, and with every thought I make you a stranger when you are my home, I push you far away when all I want is for you to stay. Because I am afraid that if I show you who I am, you’d walk away. I am afraid that if I revealed the darkness you’d seek the light. Because if you saw the tears they might scare you away. Because if I let you know what I thought yesterday you’d want to leave. Because my heart is way too broken and my soul is way too damaged to be healed. Because I love you and I hate you. Because I trust you and I don’t. Because I believe you and I don’t. Because I need you and I don’t. Because I can’t live without you and I can. Because you are my world and you aren’t.
Please listen to me when my words fail to voice my thoughts, please hold me when all I want to do is let go. Please don’t be terrified of the real me, please don’t let the pain intimidate you. Please be there for me, please protect me and cure me.
I realize you have never seen me like this before, but this is who I lived with. Myself. My true self, my ruined self. Myself, that self that I tried so many times to escape, so many times to erase. Why can’t you understand me ? Why is this so hard ? Why can’t I show you who I am ? Why do I feel like I killed myself and can’t come back to life ? Why do I feel like I lost you when I just found you ? How can I love you when I can’t love me ?
My Virtual Reality 